Late Bloomer

I am a late bloomer, it seems, when it comes to bloomin' buds (and I'm not talking horticulture or British expletives). I'm talking about taste buds. Being an expat changed my palette, and not in the way you'd think.

I've always enjoyed trying new foods. I grew up in Austin, a city where well over a third of my meals were Tex-Mex punctuated by Vietnamese, Italian, and Texas Bar-B-Que, and peppered with Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, Cajun, Brazilian and "Southern" foods.

Pie Chart Coolness

I'd say that my tastes are well-rounded, though some people would beg to differ. People who seem to think that not liking PBJs ...and mayo, coleslaw, stuffing, candied yams, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, Caesar salad, banana splits, chicken fried steak, breakfast sandwiches or anything chocolaty with peanut butter is downright Un-American.

I understand that I may seem to be building a case against myself (and am probably setting myself up for a round of hate mail), but I also don't like corned beef, meatloaf, dinner rolls, dumplings or gravy, so it's not only "traditional American dishes" that are on my Try Another Day list.

Far Side

True, Thanksgiving Day meals have always been a challenge, but it isn't like I didn't give these things a try for a good decade or so. I think I was about 19 when I started having a taste [teaspoon] of peanut butter, every now and then (which was promptly followed by a tall glass of milk). I only ate mayo with tuna, egg, or potato salads, and opted for mustard when possible.

Then I moved to Goiânia.

We all know the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," but it appears to apply to taste buds, as well.

It wasn't until I was living in a particular part of the country where everything is pretty much same-same (whether you happen to be at a cookout, restaurant, or relative's house), and things like peanut butter are hard to come by, that I suddenly decided that I really couldn't stand another day without it. And that I inexplicably missed it so badly that I'd eat an entire jar (in a matter of weeks) when I found it.

Then came the mayo urges.

I didn't even know who I was anymore.

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Finally, I found myself turning into more of a mad scientist than cook, concocting strange food mixtures born out of desperation (things that would make any decent cook or food lover cringe).

The horror... the horror...

I don't want you to be naive regarding the culinary purgatory that awaits expats who are not headed to major cultural hubs. Those of you bound for global cities can file this away under, "Whew! Dodged that one."

Those of you moving into the middle of nowhere, or worse, somewhere that for no logical or logistical reason, curiously and unnecessarily resists change like a cat resists bath time, take heed:

There will come a day when you try, against all odds, to recreate a particularly elusive taste from home. Your desperation will be directly linked — not unlike your threshold for weird combos — to just how bland the local stuff is, or how homogeneous the condiment and spice aisles are at local stores.

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While I will neither confirm nor deny certain attempts at recreating gumbo, enchiladas, and/or queso without the aid of anything remotely resembling what was needed, I can tell you that through shared expat stories & recipes, I was able to successfully make sour cream (or as we labeled that kitchen experiment: "Cloud Nine").

Just watch yourself. No one back home needs to know the frightening depths to which you were willing to sink in order to appease your sense of taste. Don't get caught tweaking a bowl of already-prepared salsa with a squirt of ketchup once you are back where these things are not only unheard of, but a crime.

Of course, other things might be tip-offs that you've been shaken to the core. Things like a 180 in your stance on mayo & peanut butter.

Five Facts for Foreigners - Vol. XII

5 Kinds of Films Your Life Does and Does Not Resemble as an Expat

I remember that in the weeks leading up to my first visit to Brazil, many people asked me what I thought it was going to be like.

I honestly had no idea, and didn't want to.

I even asked my husband not to tell me too much so that I wouldn't have some preconceived notion. I knew that no matter how many books I read, movies I watched, or stories I heard... it wouldn't be anything like my own personal experience.

Image found here.

I didn't want to have any expectations, good or bad. Some of my Brazilian friends in the U.S. (unnecessarily) worried that I wouldn't be able to adjust to the pace, aesthetics, or lack of availability of certain things.

I assured them it would be fine... and it was (with the exception of a few ill-fated incidents —  including a wax session gone awry & going a few rounds with a sadistic acupuncturist). Good times!

While we were making the preparations to move, everyone was once again asking me what it would be like. Still, I didn't really have an answer.

My first visit I hadn't spoken the language, had only stayed for a few weeks, and had only seen a certain side of the city where I would eventually live, due to the clandestine nature of my first trip.

What side? The inside of about 20 doctors' offices, the medical tourism side — a subject that needs a couple of posts, in & of itself. More on that some other time.

I couldn't even begin to imagine what day-to-day life would be like once I wasn't earning dollars (so the money wouldn't stretch as far), once I knew the language (so I could catch all of the inferences in a seemingly normal conversation), once I didn't stand out as a "tourist" (so I wouldn't automatically be exploited financially or service-wise, a phenomenon commonly known as paying the "Gringo Tax"), or once I was left to explore this thing on my own terms (without someone to usher me here or there).

After living in central Brazil for awhile, I began to see a stark difference in what some tourists thought they were coming to experience, and the reality of how it is living as an expat somewhere.

As I've reiterated a ridiculous number of times, this is purely based on my personal experience, and while unique, I feel I've discovered a few universal truths in the general expat experience.

One day it hit me that these particulars are most easily seen & best contrasted through a few movies.

Top 5 Films You Thought You Might Be Able To Relate To As An Expat:

1. Under the Tuscan Sun
   Maybe 3% of expats will be able to create and live a fairy tale life abroad, on their own. Of course, money helps. ...and keep in mind that about 97.5% of statistics are made up on the spot.


2. Lost in Translation
   Loneliness, insomnia, & culture shock - Check! Finding someone to share it with or relate to you... Mmmmaybe. Seriously, though, good luck with that!


3. The Ramen Girl
   While you may find yourself periodically shedding tears in your bowl of whatever, this will probably only raise your blood pressure, not your general standing with those around you.


4. Seven Years in Tibet
   Captivating, sure, but life is rigged so that things are more likely to end up somewhere along the lines of All the Pretty Horses or Brokedown Palace.


5. Romancing the Stone
   What? I had to throw that one in here for all the adventure-loving girls that are not averse to an unlikely romance.

Top 5 Film Themes You Can Actually Relate To As An Expat:

1. Post-apocalyptic survivor movies like The Book of Eli or Waterworld may resonate with you on a certain level, as you totally relate to the people willing to trade a portion of their pinky finger or their favorite _________ for certain unattainable food items, beauty products, or other creature comforts. In my case, for example, some foods gradually became available over the years, so some of my fellow expat friends will never have to know the pain of gorging oneself on a bag of corn tortilla chips, or the resulting despair and regret that you could not control yourself enough to make it stretch until the next care package arrives.
   
   
   


2. Alien (or Fantasy Other) films like E.T. or Splash might not seem that far out there. Everything is new-to-you, as an alien of sorts. Feeling like a fish out of water is not uncommon, while you try to find your sea legs. Consider me your siren (as in warning bells, not femme fatale) and this Five Facts Series to be a treasure map of sorts. All manner of gems can be dredged up from my past mistakes, so that you can just pass go and collect accolades.
   
   
   


3. Fantasy adventure movies such as Alice in Wonderland or The Wizard of Oz may seem like an uncanny parallel with your new reality (life imitating far-out art) as you try to regain your footing, and get with the program, in a strange new world replete with undiscovered cultural quirks. A stint with the in-laws in close quarters will drive this point home very quickly. (How do you think I got my screen name?) Here's hoping you are able to land on your feet gracefully.
   
   
   


4. Bumbling detective/spy comedies like The Pink Panther and Get Smart will hopefully only ring true with ridiculous dialogue and hilariously mixed signals, as you run down leads on just about everything that used to be a normal aspect of your day. Simple tasks may, more often than not, seem like your very own Mission Impossible until your decoder ring is synced. The physical mishaps & pitfalls are just icing on the cake. I think it took me about 2 years to stop pushing against the door that clearly said PULL in Portuguese: puxe (pronounced: "poo-shee") ...which never failed to give me pause, or generate snickers from onlookers.
   
   
   


5. Funny and inspiring, Groundhog Day may well be the key to not just "surviving" what may seem like a daily do-over. Endeavoring to make a difference with the time you have, right where you are, and being patient (with yourself first, and then others) will help you find your happy place, while becoming a productive, if not endearing, member of your community.
   
   
   

Speaking of expat movies, I highly recommend the film City of Ghosts. There are some things that are better learned in the classroom, as opposed to a field trip. This movie is very well done, and accurately portrays some of seedier expats that we may or may not have run across out there.

Do you have a favorite expat movie? What are some of the worst expat movies you have seen? Recommendations and warnings are welcome in the comment section below.

Teaser Post

I hope you find this post sufficiently cryptic.

The blog isn't dead... merely hibernating... while I get my ducks in a row, my eyes (un)crossed, and my tease dotted — or something to that effect.

It is, after all, important to have as many backlinks to your site, as possible, in the "dot-com age." I have dubbed that action a Tease Dotted.

Rejoining e-civilization, I know I owe you an explanation. I present my duct-taped babies.

I hope that by now, my "brace" of little duckies has started its way up to a certain Texas port, though they could still very well be sitting on the Brazilian shore. It's a triathlon, of sorts, that anyone who has moved internationally is familiar with: they are all taped, numbered, weighed, and fit to [hopefully] complete the different legs of the journey.

In my duckies' case, they had an 9-story hustle to the moving truck, and (an alleged) one-day drive to São Paulo. Eventually, they will cross oceans and arrive in Houston, at which point they will be checked in ...and sent on their 3-hour journey by land to their resting/nesting place here with me.

How did I get here?

Well, that is as much of a long & winding tale, as it is a bobbing & weaving sort of thing, and will more than fill in the rest of the gaps, thus far, in this blog.

I have almost 7 years' worth of When in —ão (pronounced like the word "own") tips to pass on, and just in time for the World Cup & Olympics.

I won't leave you hanging.

Five Facts for Foreigners - Vol IXa

Creepy Faux Faith Peeps

With the possibility of a meet & greet or gathering of other expats, I couldn't help but think back to the strange run-ins I’ve had with a few expats(?) ...fellow foreigners and/or countrymen... "tourists" of the shady kind. You know: those people that are clearly not who they purport to be...

Word to the wise, as Walternate said in Back to Where You've Never Been (Fringe - S4, E8)... "Everything is not as it seems." Avoid the near Fringe event in the pursuit of finding friends abroad by correctly translating the telltale tip-offs.

Here are the top 5 ways to tell someone's mission's impossible (i.e., totally fake). What they are really doing here, is best left to someone else's imagination. Don't let on that you know anything's amiss, and feel free to make tracks, as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

Better yet, here are a few highlights I've gathered in a guide to creating your very own Mission Improbable.

1. Wear random religious shirts that you and your cohorts picked up at a Goodwill back home. (Make sure you're reppin' at least 3 denominations on opposite ends of the spectrum. Shirts with vague, happy phrases should suffice if you aren't quite sure on this one.)
   
2. Claim to be on a missions trip, but don't have a clue about theology, or even which church you are [allegedly] affiliated with (here or there). Be sure to get hostile when someone has the audacity to inquire.
   
   


3. Be 0 for 2 in the 'local church as a liaison in the missions field' category.
   
   


4. Travel sans translator, though no one in your group speaks the language.
   
   


5. Be noticeably high while cruising a local mall with your group. Not-so-covert, furtive glances go a long way, too.
   
   

There are only two probable scenarios when presented with these clues: they are either running from something, or running something. Either way, the best thing to do is appear naive, and leave.

It's a wild & wacky world out there. Be safe!

All pics found on Google images.

Meet & Greet in Goiânia

I have received several get-together requests from Brazilian/American couples. Although there are more than a few Brazilian/American (or otherwise) couples here in Goiânia, there really is no network. The best bet is through my blog, and through the Expat Blog. I actually know of about a dozen American/Brazilian couples living in the area, though I have not met them personally. We honestly have no idea how many of us there are, but it might be a nice change of pace to have that camaraderie.

It seems that April would be ideal to allow ample time to get the word out, and to accommodate everyone’s schedules. As this is the first function of this kind here in Goiânia, we would like to give everyone sufficient time to hear about it, so that we can fully take advantage of this special event.


In my hometown of Austin, Texas, there was a large group of Brazilians that were able to get together regularly for bar-b-ques and soccer games, having found each other through the local Brazilian food/goods store. Here, there is nothing like that, but it appears that my blog is bringing people together. Cool! I have received several requests for meet ups, and it seems the best solution is a meet & greet in April.

Please let me know if you think you will be able to attend, and which Saturday in April would be the best for you. Let's not forget that 2 of these weekends are holiday weekends:

Friday, April 6th - Sunday, April 8th: Easter Weekend
Saturday, April 21st & Sunday, April 22nd: Tiradentes



Ha-ha! In my search for appropriate visuals, I ran across this cartoon by Maria Scrivan.

(All pics found on Google Images.)

Open Letter to Military 'Mess-Ups'

I cannot arrive at any other conclusion for the blatant sabotage that you must have intended when you did something that you knew wasn't acceptable by anyone in the United States (other than depraved and indifferent sociopaths) or any other country that abides by the Geneva Conventions; aside from the fact that your aim was to harm the United States.

To this I charge you with treason and inciting hatred towards Americans & all that we truly stand for.

Even if this was the first incident involving a camera and American soldiers desecrating a body or humiliating POWs, then we could chalk it up to a few guys who didn't know any better, etc. However, we all know this isn't the case.

Knowing full well the probability of the leakage of these images, which would go viral via twitter, facebook, youtube, and then be picked up by all [already] anti-American news stations; you could only have done this on purpose.

You ground your ax, whatever it was. You managed to undermine faith in the nature of our military efforts ...but you also took out innocent American civilians.

With that one act, you put in peril all of the expatriates living around the world.

You are inciting hatred and intolerance for those of us who, for whatever reason, do not have the luxury of retreating home & getting lost in the crowd.

You are retarding the efforts of missionaries, humanitarian organizations, the military you are supposed to be serving, NATO, and American citizens who simply find themselves somewhere other than home, just trying to live their life.

I will not say that I’m ashamed to be American, like others often do in taking the easy route, when confronted with these detestable issues. What I will say is that you deserve to be punished.

This time it has to mean something.

"But the other side drags bodies through the street, beheads their prisoners on video, etc." That, they do. This is why they are considered enemies of humanity.

You are supposed to be the antithesis of what those enemies of humanity stand for... that people who don't agree with them are less than, and deserving of irreverent treatment.

The sole purpose of American soldiers is two-fold: to represent and defend the United States of America, which holds certain truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

That is how you man up.

Before you go thinking I am anti-military, or something, know this: I very much love our country and have profound respect for those who dedicate their lives to our military.

About 40% of the people I went to school with are either active duty, married to, or ex-military personnel. I have family members on my mother's side of the family who are either still serving, or have since retired. My church back home has countless kids that have served, or are making a career of it.

What I want you to know is that I am tired of the traitors that drag these honorable people through the mud. Who let those boys with the maturity of 13-year-olds into a position that they now represent our country?

American Government Powers That Be: please do not hem and haw. Make an example of this subversion. Enough is enough.

The whole world is watching.

What will be different this time?